Being a dad to a child with a disability comes with a whole lot of responsibilities. But something that often gets overlooked is what it’s like being a dad to their sibling. Because while so much of the focus naturally goes to supporting the child with additional needs, their sibling is also carrying a lot – and it’s easy for their needs to slip into the background.
I’m a journalist, a dad, and I happen to be married to Shannon, the Chief Executive of Siblings Australia. It’s safe to say that sibling challenges are central in our home.
My two kids who live with us part-time are my 17-year-old son and his 10-year-old sister. She has multiple complex disabilities and was first diagnosed as autistic at 2 (with further diagnoses to follow).
As a dad to a sibling, one of the biggest things I try to stay mindful of is not over-relying on my son to care for his sister. And honestly, it can be really easy to do. If I need to run a quick errand or pop out to the shops, there’s that moment of thinking, can he just keep an eye on his sister for a bit? It seems like a small ask in the moment. But when you stop and think about it, you realise you’re potentially asking them to take on the same responsibilities you shoulder as a parent, and the same unpredictability that can come with complex behavioural issues.
What happens if something unexpected goes wrong? How do they cope? Are they ready for that? Probably not. And they shouldn’t have to be. They’re still kids themselves. It’s something I try to catch myself on and not take for granted. I can find it hard to manage when my daughter’s behaviour veers unexpectedly, and I’m Dad.
In recognising my son’s needs, I make a conscious effort to carve out space and time that’s just for my son and me. The time when the focus isn’t on his sister, or on being a sibling, but just on him. Football season is great for that. I try to get us to games – just the two of us. We yell at the umpires, we debate tactics, we grab chips and a drink, and for those few hours, we don’t have to think about responsibilities. He’s not a “sibling of,” and I’m not “dad, the carer” – we’re just a couple of footy fans enjoying something we both love. That time is really important.
We’re a blended family, so our setup is a bit different. My son is with his sister most of the time when he’s at his mum’s house. For a long while, that meant he was almost always in the role of sibling, across both homes. These days, when he comes to mine and Shannon’s place, we’ve been able to carve out more space for just us with the support of his mum. And I can see how important that is for him – to get a break from always having to be “on,” and to just relax into being himself.
For families where the children are all under one roof full-time, it’s definitely more complicated to create that space. But it’s worth finding ways to give siblings that one-on-one time and time away from the sibling role. It doesn’t have to be a big production. Sometimes, it’s as simple as going out for a hot chocolate together or taking a walk and leaving the phones behind. It just needs to be their time. I know coordinating that takes effort, especially when you’re juggling appointments and therapies and life. But carving out that space sends a clear message: you matter too.
Looking back, there are definitely things I would have done differently, especially in those early days when we were just beginning to understand my daughter’s diagnosis. That time was a blur of assessments, working out therapies, and trying to wrap our heads around what life was going to look like. We were in survival mode. And because of that, I don’t think we were as attuned as we could’ve been to what our son was experiencing.
We didn’t really include him in the process. We didn’t explain what we were doing, what the doctors/specialists were saying, or what it might mean for the future. In hindsight, I think that left him in a state of anxiety. Kids are smart. They pick up on stress. And when they don’t have the information, their imaginations can run wild: What’s wrong with my sister? How will this affect me? What’s my role in all of this?
If I could go back in time, I’d do more to communicate with him – clearly, honestly, in a way that was age-appropriate. I’d help him understand what was happening and reassure him that no matter what, he was still just as important in our family. That he wasn’t being forgotten in the chaos. Again, with hindsight, the supports and resources that Siblings Australia provide would have been very helpful with this process.
Because siblings need support. They need to be seen and heard, and considered in the mix. They need moments that are just for them. And they need to know they’re not alone in what they’re feeling.
It’s not always easy to get it right. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that being intentional about that sibling relationship – about the time you give, the roles you expect, the space you create – can make a world of difference.
