Part two of our guest blog by Very Special Kids (VSK). In this blog, VSK dive even deeper into the practical ways to offer comfort, understanding and emotional support to siblings coping with such a significant loss. Through sibling voices, VSK hope to provide you with the tools to be a source of strength and empathy during such a difficult time.
VSK are grateful to all the young people who opened their hearts and shared helpful ways parents, carers and other important adults can support them after their sibling has died. Read some of the ways you can support a grieving sibling below:
1. Show support through your actions
Bereaved siblings don’t expect that you’ll know what to say but saying something is
better than saying nothing. Sometimes actions may be more powerful than words.
“I think what is most comforting and supportive, is action, thoughtfulness and the presence of someone. Just someone being there to lend an ear, give a hug, or be a shoulder to cry on and the feeling that this person will continue to support you, not just a once-off.” (Kristen)
“I believe the physical gestures matter more to me than what people specifically say. Things like coming around or bringing flowers, just having the company help, and I would’ve liked it if there was more of that.” (Liz)
“Simply just talking, not necessarily about my grief, but just talking.”
“Continue to show your support. Offer alternate ways to express emotions besides talking, a journal to write down anything they may not want to say out loud, expression through art or music.” (Maryjo)
“Just by being there and by being present but being careful not to be too overbearing.” (Liz)
2. You don’t have to be part of my family to show you care
While parents and carers play a huge role, all adults can be supportive. It’s important for siblings to hear that no matter what, there are people around them who are always looking out for them.
“One of my teachers used to invite me to complete my coursework in her office as it was a quiet and calm place away from everyone. She used to keep my favourite snacks and drinks in there as well. She did not pressure me to talk about how I was feeling whilst every adult around me at the time was.”
‘My lovely neighbours who are like my second family, sending my family food and popping over just to check in.” (Kristen)
“A lady who didn’t know us and just heard about our situation started cooking food for my family, taking me to swimming lessons and tutoring with her kids and inviting us to her family events for years afterwards. She is one of the most kind-hearted people I have ever met.” (Kristen)
“My childhood best friends reached out to me; I hadn’t spoken to them for over 5 years. It meant a lot as I didn’t expect them to reach out like I did of others.” (Liz)
“I think that siblings are less likely to open up to their parents fully because they do not want to burden further their grieving parents, so possibly just making sure the sibling has someone they can talk to about grief openly such as a psychologist, therapist, counsellor or even just a family friend.” (Liz)
3. Resources we’ve found useful
Everyone responds differently, but here are a few activities and resources that have supported different siblings at Very Special Kids.
“I connect a lot to music and often express my emotions or grief through art” (Maryjo)
“I made a grief playlist on my Spotify to play it if I ever needed help letting out or expressing my emotions. Very few songs are about sibling grief, but one I like is Two Again by Christian Burrows. Another song I like is not about sibling grief specifically, but it can be interpreted that way: Two of Us by Louis Tomlinson.” (Liz)
“A podcast I like to listen to from time to time is The Surviving Siblings Podcast (created by Maya Roffler, a bereaved sibling). In each episode, a bereaved sibling tells their story about their brother or sister, their grief and how they got through it.” (Liz)
“A book called Bearing the Unbearable (by Joanne Cacciatore).”
“Lego was always my go-to, I would just sit down at the table with a big set and my headphones on listening to music, and just do that for hours and hours.”
“Offer ways in which we can express our grief such as art, writing, talking or sport.” (Maryjo)
Final Words
“All we need is for you to do the best you can at that particular time. In time, when your young person feels ready, they will come to you”. (Kristen)
To learn about more actions you can take to support a sibling who is navigating the death of their brother or sister, read out earlier blog here.
**All contributors were 18+, and aged between 6 and 19 years of age when their brother or sister died, and were given the choice to be named or remain anonymous.
About Very Special Kids
Very Special Kids provides free holistic palliative care for children and young people with life-limiting conditions, and tailored support for their families – through life, death and bereavement. The charity’s integrated approach spans physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs to help improve quality of life and create positive, lasting memories.
As one of Victoria’s leaders in children’s palliative care, Very Special Kids brings together clinical and therapeutic experts, advisors, trained counsellors and experienced volunteers, to create tailored support plans and programs for each child’s care and every family’s journey.
Very Special Kids is a predominantly self-funded organisation, relying on the community’s generosity to continue offering essential services to children and families across Victoria.
Read more about Very Special Kids at www.vsk.org.au.
Learn more about Sibling Australia’s supports HERE.
