Not all siblings of children with disability will experience increased stress, but if they do, with support, they can develop strategies for managing those stresses. However, some siblings will experience greater stress, even trauma, if their brother or sister has challenging behaviours or is medically vulnerable. These children will need additional support to ensure their mental health and wellbeing.
How do we know when stress for a sibling is developing into longer term distress? They might not express their feelings to others, and so their discomfort may not be obvious. However, without the maturity to understand and express their emotions , children often act out feelings in their behaviour. Whilst we can’t always protect children from stressful situations, we can ensure we are aware of which behaviours might indicate that they are struggling and how we might support them to develop healthy ways of coping with the stress and ultimately build their resilience.
So, what are the key behaviours to watch out for?
Behavioral Changes
- Withdrawal and Regression: Children might withdraw to protect themselves physically and/or emotionally. Sometimes that can be a very useful strategy in the short term, but if continued over time it may not be the most helpful way to manage. Very young children might also regress, e.g., need to wear nappies again or become extra ‘clingy’.
- Anxiety and Physical Symptoms: Anxiety can result in a child not sleeping well or experiencing ongoing headaches or stomach aches. Of course, these physical symptoms may not be related to being a sibling of a child with disability and should first be checked medically. However, try to keep in mind what might be happening in the family or at school that might be adding to the child’s stress level. If they do voice their concerns, avoid telling a child to ‘not worry’. Instead let them talk through their worries, discuss ways of managing the worries and let them know that you understand and are there for them.
- Acting Out and Aggression: Sometimes ‘acting out’ behaviour or aggression can be a way to gain attention. Siblings might feel that they are not as important as their brother or sister, who needs extra attention. Try to find some extra time for one-on-one contact with your child, for example, sharing regular time at bedtime, picking them up early from school occasionally, or checking in whilst driving in the car.
- Masked Emotions: Challenging behaviours may also be a sign that the child cannot express adequately how they are feeling. Boys are often given the message that they shouldn’t cry or be too sensitive and they learn to act out their confusing feelings in aggressive ways. Sport or rough and tumble games can be a good way of enabling children to have a healthy outlet for such feelings. Also, we can’t assume that what they are showing us is what they are feeling. For example, an apparently angry child might be sad or frightened. If you can see behind the anger, you can be more able to support them.
Internal Struggles
- Overly Helpful or Well-Behaved: Look out for a child who seems particularly helpful or well-behaved. It is easy for parents or teachers to celebrate an easy-going child and, of course, some children are naturally helpful, and it doesn’t always mean that they are struggling. However, it is something to keep in mind. Many adult siblings talk of not wanting to upset parents who they saw as being stretched already – they felt the pressure to be the ‘good child’, to not ‘rock the boat’. Such continued shutting down of feelings can lead to depression or other mental health problems. Adopting the role of ‘people pleaser’ can also hinder healthy adult relationships.
- Pressure to be Perfect: Siblings can feel a pressure to be perfect, developing an exaggerated fear of failure, of letting down their parents. Their self-worth can become totally dependent on their successes, which can increase the risk of depression in future years.
Addressing Stress at School
Also, school can also be a source of stress for siblings. If children show signs of struggling with school or friendships it might mean that they are experiencing isolation, teasing or a sense that ‘no-one understands’. Talking with your child’s teachers about what might be happening at school can be a good start.
Recognising signs of stress in your children is the first step. By opening communication channels and fostering a safe space to talk, you can work together to address the root causes. However, sometimes a child’s behavior might indicate deeper challenges that require professional intervention. If you find yourself needing additional support, Siblings Australia offers a suite of resources, including our SibSupport program, which provides individual and group counseling to navigate these situations. Learn more about SibSupport and explore how we can help your family by visiting Siblings Australia services.
