As the Chief Executive of Siblings Australia, I often get asked what drew me to this role, and I say, I’m a mum of sibling children, and I could absolutely see the need for a dedicated sibling support organisation such as Siblings Australia.
If they ask more, I clarify: I’m the stepmother of a child with disabilities, and when I chose to remarry, my kids became siblings.
Recently, we published a blog post from my husband, Abe, about being a sibling dad. As he explained in his blog, being a blended family means that our sibling children step in and out of that role in some ways as they move between houses. It is a level of flexibility and space that not all families can have.
It also means that some of the complexities that can come from being a sibling were essentially chosen by me for my two kids because of who I fell in love with.
Just over five years ago, my two beautiful kiddos walked me down the aisle for my second marriage, and with that, they became new siblings.
My daughter and stepdaughter, who is autistic and has an intellectual disability, are 6 months apart in age, but their lives are vastly different in a developmental and social sense. While all families undergo significant change when they choose to blend, by deciding to remarry, I created a new dynamic for my kids in their new sibling roles.
We’ve not always got it right as a family – far from it – but when I lie in bed at night thinking how everything is tracking, I think we are doing okay.
Here are some tips that I’ve learnt or applied to our blended family, which may help to support yours if you’re going through a similar change:
Boundaries: It took me a while to work out a way that meant everyone got what they needed. Setting boundaries for everyone has been important.
Acknowledgement: Blending families and maintaining a sense of fairness/evenness can be hard enough, but add into the mix a child who has significant care needs, who sometimes needs to take priority, and it can be ultra tough. Normalise that it’s okay for kids to feel uncertain, jealous, or worried, and let them express those feelings without judgment.
Communication: We are very upfront as a family about how everyone is coping with everything. This includes saying to the kids that sometimes we don’t have all the answers or admitting when we’ve not got the balance right. Make space for tricky conversations.
Kids not carers: All siblings help out with their brothers and sisters from time to time, but we are very careful that their role is that of a sibling and not a carer.
Promote support from other adults: I am very clear to my kids that while there might be things they aren’t comfortable talking about within the complexities of our house, with either me or their stepdad, there is nothing that happens at home that they should feel worried about talking to other adults about (nothing that happens in our house is off the table). If they need a debrief on something that’s been a bit tricky, I want them to have those conversations. Insights from third parties can provide helpful clarity or another perspective.
Time apart and time together: We make sure all of the kids get one-on-one time with their biological parents, and that each of the bio-units within our larger family gets time to themselves, but we also make time to do as much as we can together as a larger family unit too.
Educate: My kids weren’t unfamiliar with autism before they met their now stepsister, but as the saying goes, if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. When they were 4 and 7 and meeting her for the first time, conversations like “When we have routines in place, it helps her to understand what’s going on and feel more comfortable” were where it was at. Now they are 11 and 14, we talk more about how we can help her regulate within different environments (and let’s face it, that’s a relevant discussion for tweens and teens, too!).
Support bonding but understand that it might look different: My stepdaughter doesn’t “play” in the sense that other children might. In our blended family, given the closeness in age between the girls, my daughter was very keen to play with her new sister. Play-dough was a godsend – my daughter liked to create things, and my stepdaughter liked the sensory aspect. If you can find an activity that everyone might enjoy for different reasons, it can create a sense of closeness
Blending a family is never simple, and when disability is part of the mix, it brings extra layers to navigate. But through all the challenges, there’s also a huge amount of love, growth, and learning. I know my children have gained insight, empathy, and resilience that will shape who they become. And while I can’t take away every difficulty, I can keep working – at home and through Siblings Australia – to make sure siblings feel seen, supported, and valued for who they are.
