At Very Special Kids (VSK), we understand that facing childhood illness and death can be overwhelming, and everyone in the family may struggle to find their place in the process of grief and loss.
We are privileged to support siblings of all ages who have had a brother or sister die from a life-limiting condition. So, when we were asked to share some advice with Siblings Australia Inc, our first step was to seek expertise from the siblings in our care.
VSK is grateful to all the young people who opened their hearts and shared helpful actions that parents, carers and other important adults can take to be there for them after their brother or sister has died.
1. Respect my grief and how I choose to grieve
The death of a child affects everyone in the family differently and everyone grieves at different paces. No matter how young a sibling is, they are still grieving, and their grief should be acknowledged just as their parents’ grief is.
“I wish that when I was by myself, people didn’t ask how I was and then immediately ask how my mum was afterwards; in a way, I felt it unintentionally dismissed my grief.” (Liz)
Bereaved siblings may or may not want to talk. Let them guide you.
“Don’t be too forward, a lot of the time I didn’t really want to talk about my grief.”
“Let us choose who we want to speak to and when, because there is nothing that makes someone close off more than trying to push them to talk when they’re not ready.” (Kristen)
“Sometimes I wanted to be completely alone and other times I wanted lots of friends and family around and the best way to support that is to respect what I want at the moment and not force it on me.”
“Be flexible, a lot of the time we don’t know what we want and all you have to do is be there when we need it.”
“People around us try their best to distract us but what worked best for me was continuing everyday life and having times where I can cry and remember my brother.”
2. Acknowledge my brother or sister but let me guide the conversation
While siblings may want their brother or sister to be remembered, never make assumptions.
“I think talking about my brother shows that he is never forgotten and shows that he is still with us.” (Maryjo)
“I would say that I should start that conversation. I wouldn’t want someone else trying to force that conversation on me.”
“I love talking about my sister. I often mention her in most conversations, but I understand that some bereaved siblings find it difficult, especially newly bereaved siblings. I would say don’t directly bring it up, but if a bereaved sibling does mention their sibling, then allow them to talk freely about them and don’t try and end the conversation or redirect it; let them control the direction of the conversation.” (Liz)
“The memories I share with my sister are still some of the greatest parts of my life and I want to share her and her memory with all the people in my life. I do understand though that this is not the case for everyone, and I think that it’s very important for each individual to be the one to bring up their brother or sister rather than the adult and to let them pick their own pace and depth of sharing. It is important that adults don’t let their curiosity get the better of them and let the adolescent lead the conversation.” (Kristen)
“Advice I would give adults when starting a conversation is asking about favourite memories or moments with their brother or sister. It starts the conversation with a happy memory.”
3. Think about your words and how they might be received
Words like “I’m sorry for your loss” and “that must have been so difficult at such a young age” are often not helpful.
“I wish people didn’t tell me that they’re ‘sorry’ for my loss or some other form of words of pity, I personally prefer when people acknowledge the difficulty of what is going on, but tell you that they know you will get through and the genuine offering of support.” (Kristen)
“I wish adults who haven’t experienced grief or bereavement would understand that what we experienced isn’t something they should be sorry about. Our experiences with our loved one is what we remember the most.”
“Nothing can change what has happened and apologies for something that is no-one’s fault provides me no comfort.” (Kristen)
To read more ways you can support a sibling who is navigating the death of their brother or sister, read part 2 of this guest blog here.
*All contributors were 18+, aged between 6 and 19 years of age when their brother or sister died, and were given the choice to be named or remain anonymous.
About Very Special Kids
Very Special Kids provides free holistic palliative care for children and young people with life-limiting conditions, and tailored support for their families – through life, death and bereavement. The charity’s integrated approach spans physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs to help improve quality of life and create positive, lasting memories.
As one of Victoria’s leaders in children’s palliative care, Very Special Kids brings together clinical and therapeutic experts, advisors, trained counsellors and experienced volunteers, to create tailored support plans and programs for each child’s care and every family’s journey.
Very Special Kids is a predominantly self-funded organisation, relying on the generosity of the community to continue offering essential services to children and families across Victoria.
Read more about Very Special Kids at www.vsk.org.au.
